(Escrito em setembro de 2005)
What is it to be lonely? Lonely not on the sad sense of feeling left behind or helpless, but lonely as an unique individual that comes into this world alone by birth and will inevitably end alone, six feet under the surface of the same earth. Alone in the sense of no matter the family we come out to have or the friendships we get to make, we’ll always have the last word on every decision we take. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or wants, I'm the only one that can move my own legs.
Sitting in my lonely throne, facing all the major steps I'm currently taking, I wonder how many times I’ve felt this devastating but also comfortable loneliness. All the anticipation and expectations I can have towards anything that involves someone else it’s actually not scary, once I’ve got to understand that if it doesn’t work I’d still have everything I come into the situation with: myself. I’ll never be lost or lonely because I do have myself to rely on; anything else is just a temporary add on to my environment. As harsh as this may sound, it’s actually just a realization of the independence that being an adult provides.
Family may not always be the ideal foundation as one expect and they may not be there for you every time you “need”; friends may disappoint you, die or just grow apart, same with relationships; even dogs, the ultimate “best friend”, have a fifth of the life span of a human; regardless how many promises and contracts one can make, nothing is permanent but one to itself.
Everything in life is transient, from the people we love to the things we prioritize, and that doesn’t make people any less special, however, that just make more acceptable the changes that life may present without warning, and all the surprises that may tremble my certainties and wills. No matter how much I can plan the next step and believe that I have everything figured out, if at some point the whole structure falls apart, I’ll still never be alone; worst scenario, I get to become stronger as an individual. People and things don’t fill the hole, they can’t complete anyone else but themselves; if there is a hole, is actually my own incompetence of fulfilling my life with my strength, drive and mind.
I'm not looking for a life preserver in the storm; I'm never relying on a “comfort zone”; I'm not relieved with all the things (I think) I know. I don’t see people as the solution for my insecurities and shortcomings, not even a solution for my emotional and material necessities. People are to be enjoyed, to be inspiring, to be refreshing; people are to be intriguing, to be studied, to be loved; people are to be observed, understood or just an endless enigma, but people are definitely not to be my tacit solution.
So here I am living life fully, taking risks, getting truly involved; here I am not knowing, not expecting, not resting on shallow certainties; here I am not paralyzed either scared with all the uncertain steps I’ve got to take and the transience of all the “permanent” things. NOTHING will ever stop me trying to improve it, to make unexpected decisions that may require a whole new plan. It’s not time, either life, that decide where I go and who I am.
I'm never lonely because I’ll always have myself.
