TPM

E se tudo estiver perdido, e se não houver amor que resolva diferença? E se simplicidade for só uma artimanha da monotonia, e conflito seja fundamental para desenvolvimento?

Será que não posso estar feliz demais para estar bem, e felicidade só vale a pena em doses homeopáticas, doses as quais a gente chora e sente saudade e luta a vida inteira para sentir de novo, mas quando sente não sabe direito o que fazer com ela?

E se esse amor for amor passageiro com gosto de eterno, mais um no caminho, mas uma história, mais uma preparação? Nããããão, eu não aguento mais!

Só de pensar em andar por aí atrás de amor-para-sempre, date after date, sexo sem intimidade, solteirice divertidíssima-uhuuuu... nossa, ninguém merece. Aí, olho esse mundão vasto cheio de desesperados por amor e me deparo com meu amor lindo bem aqui do meu lado, olhando no meu olho, transbordando paciência, assistindo meu pequeno ataque de precariedade enquanto me faz carinho em silêncio.

Quinze minutos atrás, lá estava eu, deitada toda tranqüila nos braços desse homem que tanto amo e num ataque repentino de paranóia, comecei a questionar a profundidade da reciprocidade, me revirando de um lado para o outro, cabeça correndo a mil kilômetros por hora nessa estrada esburacada por insegurança, borbulhando lágrimas desnecessárias, cheia de duvidas, jogando pela janela tudo o que vínhamos alimentando à primeira sombra de incerteza.

E se eu for mais uma mulherzinha idiota que uma vez por mês entra em crise hormonal e numa cajadada só mata o único coelho que eu quero e sempre quis? E se eu calar minha boca, minha cabeça animal, minhas sinapses direitistas ignorantes cheias de formatos e convenções, e aceitar esse mistério do que é simples, insegurança desse mundo novo dos namoros fáceis de amar, Terra dos Seres Felizes, e parar de neurotizar cada pensamentozinho possível?

Sossega, leoa. Sossega e vai para cama amar o homem que você tanto ama!

PS: E reza para essa TPM maldita passar logo.

Long Distance (No Distance)

Disregard the ticking clock
Time is just a dusty trap scheming against our longings

Forget any given concept about hours
Seconds tend to get selfish in their loneliness
Trying to over-expand their splatter of importance
When we are apart

Ignore the geographical gap
Distance stretches its arms in a thug of war
Pulling both sides to its center

We meet in the middle
Tectonic plates sliding in together like God-made matching enzymes
Counter parts of a two-piece puzzle
Together complete

And every morning
I wake up drinking what reminisces of your taste in my mouth
I find in the breeze the whiff of your armpit
I touch your hands through the prints you left on my skin
I hear your laughter in every madly barking dog
Every tanned man over 6 feet tall wears your face for a second

You ask me about the empty space between our bodies
Don’t you see? It’s filled up with air
We’ve never ceased rubbing each other’s surfaces

The only geography I know
Is the vastness of your Land
My only concept of Time
Is what slips between our threads when I'm lost in your abyss

Nothing can come between us

I'm here
I'm yours
I'll wait

Nuestros Abismos

Dirigiste sin destino
Directo para el centro de todos mis secretos
Y alocaste dentro de mi pecho
Nadando mis mares mediterráneos

Yo, sin pensar, desavisada, deje entrar
Y aquí esta
Molestando la calmaría del monótono
Bañando me con tu tormenta de entusiasmo
Ah, como me haces borracha de felicidad

Miro lo escuro de mi miente
Y te vejo bien en frente de mi cara
Tu mirada atravesando mis ojos
Viendo me por detrás de todas las cortinas

No hay humo
Todo esta bien claro
No hay nada a ser dicho
Nada a programar se
Apenas la libertad del momento
Y que se sea infinito mientras dure
(Y mejor que dure para siempre, si aún queda alguna esperanza en Dios)

Ahora, aquí mi encuentro lejos de ti
Pero totalmente pertenecida de tu carne
Cada poro transpirando tu olor
Cada gota sudando tu sumo
Cada entrada recordando tus extremidades

Tetas, coxas, buceta
Mi rompes con toda la fuerza
Sonríes ríos entre mis piernas
Y yo desaguo mi flujos en tu cuerpo melado
Corriendo nuestras fronteras
Muriendo todos los segundos en raciones homeopáticas

Soy tuya
Tu cabrita danada safada sapeca
Buceando en tu cama
Rolando en tus sabanas
Y implorando en susurros tu mercy-turn-into-nectar

Seriamente
(Y para eso até junto dos deditos de mi manos para enfatizar)
Creyó, que for safety reasons, and that reason only
No debemos parar

Quiero proseguir sucumbiendo a nuestros abismos
Para el siempre de todos los siempres
Amor de todos los amores

Venga acá
Vengas me amar

USA

For seven years I have tried to fit in

Little child longing for the class’ acceptance

Struggling with inadequacy

Either explaining or fighting in the loneliness of my weirdness

But I’m not weird

I’m just not them

I’ve never been

I will never be

Genesis

They have opened the golden gates
They tangle their glory in front of my face
They offer me the status of the rich, the nectar of the Gods
They invite me in with promises of fame and fortune
Selling their acclaimed format of happiness

I stand motionless
I don’t want their happiness
Whose dream am I supposed to live?

Conformity had confused me
I had adapted to what they told me about success
I had forged a Master Plan of way of living that was never mine
I had surrendered to their army of compliance
And accepted a fate written down prior to my own will

But wait
There was hope left
I didn’t know but I still knew better

So there I went blindfolded by my innocent ignorance
Crossing continents
Searching for something
I didn’t know exactly what

I closed my eyes
And flew unintentionally into my destine
Just to hit face first against my shallowness

God, I’d been wrong!
How the hell had I been living?

I found myself landing in Joy
Thick smoke immediately dissipating
And a forgotten humanity squeezed epiphany out of my chest

It was all so clear
There it was
Me

And by Me, I mean the Me that I most like out of myself
That Amazonian identity of woman that jumps head first into the world
That has no fear of downfalls
And no hesitation towards happiness

Fuck precaution
Life is a sip of light in the vastness of this universe
Throw me into the black hole
Stir galaxies within me
Pare o mundo que eu quero descer!

I jumped in
And swam my mediterranean Sea
I ran across my borders
I biked the streets of my depth
To finally reawaken my Titan within

Life was blown into my nostrils

And in the seven night
After founding my own Genesis
And resting on my Sun-day
I climbed the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil
I caressed softly the Serpent skin
And took a full bite of the succulent Apple
Unaware of having invited my Adam in

I opened my eyes and there He was
Tribal Man-giant smiling at me
Palpable mirage watering my desert
Offering freely his bare heart to my hunger
No fig’s leaves needed
No shame welcomed

Go ahead and throw us out of the Garden
We will build our own

I’d be happy to bear the pain of childbirth over and over again
And live 930 years
As long as my Adam is with me

Close your golden gates
Our land has no fences

I rather swim my oceans than climb your mounts

I have found Home in the land and chest of my lover
Home sweet home

And here we are
Full of life and
Filled with love

Here I am
Libertad

A Day

That moment right before falling asleep
When the eyelids succumb to its weight
And the body verges numbness
Reality blends with subconscious
And I get saddened by the eminence of the next day

Morning Afternoon Night
Past Present Future
Beginning Middle End

One less day of life
One day closer to death
Fuck that

Eyes, open up
Shake off the dreams
Brush away the urgency of the cycle to come
Steer me back into consciousness, Please
Awake awake!

Come back, my dear Day
I urge you to stay for at least a few more minutes
Let me taste you one last time

Hold my hands tight
And cease later

Overflow

Throw me the life-vest
I've been drowning in emotions

NY

New York New York
Wait for me

I'm about to catch up with you

Mothafucking You, Again

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Where is my teacup?

I know, I know
One is made to be self-sufficient
Independent
Happy in their ultimate loneliness

I’ve been told to be ashamed of needing
Never long for a man, little girl
You can take the world alone

Copy that
I learned that lesson
I’m very good standing on my feet
Could run across mountains and rivers, storms and deserts
Without grasping for air

That’s not the point
Yes, I am self-sufficient
But it's not about what is sufficient, is it?
I want more

Cheer to the ones that stand happy alone
Never longing for a family
Believing that love is distraction

Distract me all you want
Call me dependent
Call me even needy (argh)
All I know
And I know it for fact
Is that I want to share

So blow away the ego smoke
Stop pretending I’m better off on my own

I’m here bored in my single-dome
Often wondering how do you look like
How does your body weight over mine
Where is the meeting place they’ve written down for us

Let me clear my throat:
I can’t wait to meet You

Half of myself, said Plato’s in his Symposium
All humans were hermaphrodite
Cut in gender halves just past creation
To perpetually wander around aimlessly
Searching for their respective concaves or convexes

Bring me my convex, please

I’ve disregarded the description list
I have accepted the damn fate to introduce me to you

Forget the exact qualities
Stereotypes
And close calls to perfection
Reveal the flaws
I have quite a few of my own, too (not that many)

The hell with seeking the right ingredients
I don’t want to know the recipe
Just bring me my meal!

I’m not here praying for surface
I wish for the depth of a parallel universe where two people forget all rules
Land where all Past is left behind
Past that only handcuffs me to yellow memories and shallow longings

I want to move forward

I’m tired of chasing the rabbit through a bottomless hole
I want the fantasy
Where is my teacup?

I just want to share it

LA Emptiness

Don't like walking in LA
The emptiness of the streets makes me uncomfortable

If I must
I rather run

Run away

Modern World

I know, I know
You don't have time for feelings.

One Man Land

More and more I know
Life with you would be lonely

Your world is too small
All the countries and seasons you go through in a day
Do not widen your margins

Your land is one man and one man only

You swim alone
Stuck under water
Filling up your minutes with pressure
You suffocate

I watch from far
You don’t want to be saved

I see you there at the corner
Walled in great commitments
Wishing I could crack you open and awaken your eyes

Turn off the AC and open the window
Look at the world outside
Forget the accomplishments and start living them

Still, I watch you quietly

I’ve longed you for days and days
And here I stand on our last hour
Sitting on your couch
Your presence pulsing quietly on the table
Five miles across the room

We are going to break

Magical Bubble (Why Can't We Be Friends?)

I know your tricks
You’re trying to erase me again
Hide me in that little cave you shoved me when we first met

Your reasoning has been well exposed
I get it
But it's just that thing you do about trying to hate me
(You can’t hate me, no way)
I can't understand

We had our magical bubble
Fairy-dust and twilight
The ocean in your eyes was my escape

Your narrative
The poetry of your thoughts
The gentleness of your ways
It kept hovering me

The taste of dream left in my mouth
Turned every feeling into tenderness

But my care for you is parallel to reality
Not a slight intention to be intrusive
It hears you from afar
And shares secret in whispers

There is no space for future
For reliving what we had
The Present has swallowed it
It froze in the Past

The bubble has popped

But Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?

Lust?

I woke up one day in my late twenties
And the warm body by my side
Was just a hollow reminisce of my old ways

Friends with benefits had no more profit

I sat there
Staring at my longing
Wishing my cure was a kiss away
But my emptiness felt even fuller

And I prayed
I prayed and prayed

Oh Lord, let me fuck
Let me fuck just for the sake of it

But no, romanticism turned off all the intentions
Love
Eros whispered in my ear

I yelled at my brain:
What kind of fuckery is this?
It stared right back at me
Unaffected by my plead

I try to insist

I wander around double looking at men
Measuring them by inch
Perversion in every pore
I transpire fire

Come closer and you’ll see
It’s all bullshit
Love has hit me

No exclusivity on the longing
Forget the perfect-lover list I wrote that Saturday afternoon
It's just the idea
The concept of sharing intimacy with complicity
Nakedness that’s not only skin
Much more
All the stuff within

And it only frustrates me to know better
To watch myself watching them
The men
Wishing their taste could be my medicine

That bottle is empty
If I were to head their direction
I’d walk right through them

You grew up little girl
Look at the woman in the mirror

Just Friends?

While here I was, sitting by my table, thinking about you.

I spent the whole morning a bit lost in your land, emerged in your mismatched pupils while wondering the taste of your tongue.

I sat there with your warm hands rubbing my fingers and I longed your delicacy more than ever. I wanted to touch you, to hold you, to hug you so tight so to forget our margins and disregard the boundaries of matter. I listened to your soft voice while watching you being you, laughing, talking, gesturing, and I couldn’t help but drifting into your vulnerability. I saw your eyes fill up with salty tears and all I wanted was to swim on them, to float on your secrets and duck dive into your abyss, to later peacefully sleep in your nest.

I want to hear more, to know more, to learn you from cover to current always craving the next chapter.

You are very magical to me.

You are this ocean of tides clashing into my shore, pulling me closer and close. I see a broken little bird within and all I want is to nurture it, to rock you in my arms and breast feed you with the golden nectar love is.

With care comes fear, comes the ghosts of shattered possibilities and potential lost. I have the same wonders and hesitations about getting too close, too lost in each other, afraid of, later on, losing you. And I must remind myself that fear is so paralyzing, and really only destructive to the brewing intensities that usually tend to seem easier to deny than to live. Fear is that twisted defense mechanism that overall stops one from living instead of simply existing. Fear is the stupid ego fighting hard the gut feeling we learn so hard to disregard.

And when I finally come to find myself fulfilled with the fundamental liberty whole feelings require, I realize that overall life it’s to be lived more, and anticipated less. So, with that in mind, I won’t attempt to abruptly change our dynamic. I’ll simply let it be, I’ll let us keep playing this song we’ve been subtly making, without trying to set the pace, to set the tone, the course. I’ll sing along our slow tune and let time work out our longing paths, always wishing to never be too far to forget your texture, and maybe one day, closer than just enough.

Doing Great

Since your name, coming out of your mouth, gets bigger every day
And your self-sorrow has overcome any consciousness left
I accept your self-proclamation of grandiosity
As the only way to undermine your insecurities

I just wish you could only admit how afraid you are
I see fear in your eyes
And I wish to long to care for you

But you’ve been long jaded

If there was a splash of self-criticism left
We might have had better luck as accomplices
But, no
I watch your sad reflection in the mirror
I hear your everyday bullshit about how great you’ve been doing
And I want to grab you by the shoulders
And shake up the foundation to your lies

I know better
I know you enough to easily identify your hypocrisy
You lay there pretending it's all right
I pretend I believe

And there are days that I want to hold your hand and bring you back
Days that I’m immersed in salvation
The cure

Who am I to cure?

Yes, yes
You could be my project
But I see through it
I see your whole theatrics of perfection buried in flaws

I let it go
Immersed in sympathy
Fuck sympathy

I want the truth
It lies beneath your one inch layer of depth
It stenches what remained of your purity

Your innocence has been broken
But I have my own pieces to pick up
The hell with empty shells

If you could only want it more than me
I got to save myself first

Small Death

I suck his tongue
He bites my lip
I spread wide open my secret

He slips inside
Drums my walls
Pounds waves through my every layer
I quiver

He hammers into my core
Streams melt down my inner thighs
spilling over my margins
He overflows me

He plays free through my convexes
He conquers my concaves
I submit

I’m his hostage and refugee
Naughty whore and little girl
Shy student and sexy mistress
We are free

He pulls my hair
Rides his little ponyhoe
Whipping my round ass with his bare hand
He dominates me

I supplicate release
He says please
I succumb to a colossal implosion
I surrender

I want to taste him
I long his milk
I plead for his nectar over my surface
We let it be

I feel his body tightening
He holds my hips
He kisses my lips
The tide grows
He shakes
I can hear his heart beat

He holds for a second
Constringes preceding eruption
And in the most delicious moan
Gives in

Small death within

One

The horizon is clear and the wind insists:
I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m ready.

Send the troops.
I just want one in six billion.

Foreign

In a culture in which success is material and tangible; where career comes prior to relationships and joy and happiness are rewards never path; in a society in which off-days should be taken in secret and relationships are weight, since you better choose work over love - priorities are priorities -, Love is underrated.

In a land where intelligence is brain, is logic, is being rational and practical, sentimentalism is drama and sensitiveness is weakness. A land where bad experiences are turn into trauma instead of growth, while people go through life closing themselves in their hard shells full of old scars instead of opening their minds to fill up with new understandings; in which you should be appropriate and polite, and never ask, never tell, never show what you truly feel; where people are full of hollow “how are yous” and “luv yas” but real Love brings a storm of “unwelcome” emotions, and any latent change of landscape in one’s heart is potentially the worst nightmare of every man, once anything out of the comfort zone may be severely dangerous to the habitual heart-frequency and may lead to serious evolution. In a society in which happiness is a linear road of consequent events: get the job/buy the house/find the girl/propose /get marry/have little ones/live-how-they-told-you-to-ever-after; Life is underrated.

In a culture where the words “psycho-somatic” and “intuition” must come straight from a “tree-hugger-talk” and if you do therapy you might as well get used to being asked: “what happened?” A culture where emotions are disposable, discarded and unvalued and mostly to be hidden and disregarded; where detachment and individualism are positive traits and “having a life” is a privilege; I finally come to ask myself what happened to our humanity? What happened to the ability of living instead of existing? What happened to not trying to map out so perfectly the present and future so to leave some room for the unimaginable, intangible, and unexpected serendipity to naturally unveil?

I stand here with myself, walking around the room full of longings and wonders. I stand on the notion that life is to be flexibly lived, full of spontaneity and risk, and I know so well to let life happen while I make my uberly important plans.

I don’t want to not risk it. I’m not afraid of getting hurt.

I here open my arms and offer my chest to the storm. I bare my soul from fears and allow my body to fly into all my indefinite corners. I strip all the darkness and joy I have in my abyss. I accept to fall, to break into million crumbs. I’m okay with getting hurt and cut and smashed by all the forces I’m here exposing. I yearn major implosions and inner tornados on my vast oceans. I’m unafraid. I'm fearless. And all the silly walls that my arms can build, all the guards and self-consciousness is to be buried in elation.

And here seating with my heart in my chest, I realize how much fiber I have in my muscles, how much air I breathe into my lungs; I feel my warm blood swimming its stream and my cells throbbing in expansion. I am developing, overflowing, transforming. I am a new muscle that keeps ripping apart to consequently grow. I am to wonder, to change, to improve. Bring me the earthquake. Shake my entire ground. Break me apart and I reborn again. I survive. I relive. I evolve. I am to go through life fully, embracing every intensity that in my way arises. I am to jump in, duck dive, get on the ride.
I am to venture into my virgin lands, wandering through secret jungles and forests. I am to encounter the secrets of my infinite and to venture into my every concealed cave.
I am. And I am to Live.

Ultra-Passado

Miguel. Road, Salgado. Doce, muito doce. Memória que não apaga nem depois de dezesseis anos passados. Passado que volta e meia escorrega no presente e voa embora de novo sem notícias de retorno. Menino que viveu em segredo até aquela noite que eu o vi atrás da minha porta, queimado, pretinho, olho brilhando, cachinhos cheios de idéias fumegantes dentro de cabeça brilhante. Miguel que foi meu primeiro grande amor. Amor contra corrente que esperou o tempo certo, esperou, persistiu, insistiu, mas que acabou por ser a hora errada. Nunca foi a nossa hora. Miguel de tantos encontros desencontrados, de tantas estórias. Haja história. Miguel que cresceu, casou, deu cria. Miguel que virou homem do outro lado do mundo em que eu vim a virar mulher. E eu daqui, saindo de um namoro e já quase que caindo em outro, guardando o coração sem querer o dar desavisado, eu depois das minhas tantas viagens e estórias ainda tenho você guardado em alguma gaveta em mim. E no meio de dia apertado me deparo com sua foto, filha no colo e me choco com como memória pode ter cheiro, gosto, textura. Te olho aí, cheio de presente e vejo como o passado é antigo. Ultrapassado. Te olho de longe e fico feliz pelo teu caminho. Contemplo sua vida e sorrio imaginando seu momento. Te deixo ir embora da cabeça sem antes deixar de te escrever esse pequeno tributo a sua importância em mim. Não sei se o tempo vai levar, se a vida vai desenrolar, degringolar, mas a verdade é que de tempo e tempo me deparo contigo e nunca é vazio. Sento aqui na minha mesa ao som de Novos Baianos e a menina dança, deixa a menina dançar.

Love and Pain

What is love worth if not for a power of creation? Isn’t the internal wheel overall turned so to switch the course of the every day ordinary? Isn’t love a tide of new, in which the old can be re-seen with newborn eyes? Isn’t love to awaken the soul and open the heart and rip it out of the glass box our chest is and let it throb lively on the table?

So, love is not just about happiness and comfort but also about pain and transformation. It’s about breaking the old into a tsunami of new intensities and inspirations, and in that light the outcome really doesn’t matter but the courage to put the core into the process and allow the flesh to be raw. It’s about vulnerability to offer the open chest and when the wound opens, only big balls can afford to go through it without running away overwhelmed by fear.

Love is there to create heartfelt poetry and transformational books and remarkable movies and powerful art. Love is here for me so I can write better letters and cry denser tears and crack old concepts and step humbly into what I don’t know.

Love, and now pain, is here so I can grow out of the mediocrity of the normality and touch the land of the uncertain. And I see my insecurities and face my self-esteem and bump into my fears and touch my rejection complex and all the obscurity hidden inside my soul. Pain is here so I change my course and rethink what I thought so well that I knew for sure. Love and pain are here so to transpire sweat and blood and tears to then turn it all into gardens in my brain and life.

So let the pain come in and flush the still water, turn my swamp into running river, turn my lazy blood into splashing waterfalls of flux sprinting through my bloodstream. Love and pain are here so to prove that I’m alive.

The Woods

Little girl is lost in the woods
The sun has set and she suddenly woke up from her daze
She is surprised to be scared of the dark
But there she is full of fear

Little girl sits in a tree hole haunted by the forest inside her head
She has been lonely for too long
She has walked three times the length of the earth
And lived thousand lives in six years
But she is tired of the quest
Her heart has imposed her a rest
And she wishes for a tender embrace from the long branched tree

Little girl feeds her soul with salty tears and deep sighs
She has longed for so long
She has raised herself for that moment
She is ready but the moment haven’t arrived

Little girl is a mere statue of her being
She has tried to play and laugh and distract the earthquake cracking her head in half
But the earth doesn’t stop moving
There is a blizzard in her soul
She avoids looking at the hole in her chest
She can’t bear walking her tiny feet through the snow anymore
She wants to run from her own thoughts
But her strength is drained by her sadness

Little girl feels hollow as an old fallen tree
She lies on the ground buried in dry leaves
Yearning the comfort of her wholeness back to her breath
But she has lost the rhythm
She is paralyzed by the inertia of her emptiness

Little girl disregards her own margins and turns into air
She is cold breeze that has forgotten how to grip the heat of the sun
She flies through arctic mountains and gets overwhelmed by their depth
She looks down into her abyss and feels vertigo in her soul

Little girl misses the warmth within
She misses running the green grass fields freely
And skipping to the singing birds
But she can’t forge happiness
She stares at the water and sees heavy clouds as her reflection
She collapses into the river and melts into stream

Little girl is cold current running aimlessly through rough rocks
She lets herself go
Wishing for the river to choose her path
She can’t fight the flow anymore
She floats instead of swimming

Little girl misses home
She misses the comfort of the old textures
She closes her eyes and remembers her mother soft embrace
Her dad strong hand holding tight to her little one
She misses belonging to them but mostly to herself

Little girl knows that she is not alone
But man, she has been lonely
She misses living in the daylight
But now all she has is grieve inside
There are thousand deaths in her chest
Every inch of her body mourns what it isn’t anymore
The old still lives within
And she quietly prays for the space to vacate

Her heart has been broken in tiny parts
And it rips as a growing muscle
Her devastation burns every bush that she walks by
And her desolation turns blue into gray
Her world has been black and white

Little girl lays in the tree hole and hugs her own self
She keeps repeating out loud that she’s going to be okay
She will eventually turn her pain into gardens
And bounce around a bed of colored flowers
But it all feels still far from blossoming
It’s winter in her land

Little girl longs for spring
But for now the tree hole is where she is