Monday, September 10, 2007 – Immediately after the shock
The Question
I had to ask
He told me there is someone new
Someone that fits better
He said they have more in common
It's an age thing he said
It's too early for him to say he's in love
I was joking when I asked about a new love
He answered yes
My body chocked up in a tight knot
I was kidding
He wasn't
I fought the massive heartbeat with kind words
Not really kind
More like a blazé - far from blazé - inquire
I saw my heart pouring through the seven holes in my head
I had to shut myself
I got utterly curious
I got utterly hurt
I have no right to be hurt
I just wasn't prepared
I'm seating here battling against my brain
Battling to let it go
I stare at all the frivolous work in front of me
Everything looking so secondary
Floating around my table
My brain is everywhere but here
I was still thinking about him
I've wondered if I was still in love
The conflict between reality and potential getting me stuck in the middle
I was in love with the man I saw on him
It wasn't a mistaken idea of who he is
But a very clear notion of the man he hides inside
I got driven away by the waste of that great man
That for so long has been left alone in an old dusty drawer
I couldn't bear not having the best of him
I wasn't settling for the reminiscences of a Viking warrior
Turn into a sad kitten
It's like going black - so they say
Once you go there you can't step back
I wanted to do the best for him
I wanted to be the best for him
It wasn't enough
Perhaps it was too much
It just wasn't right
It's been a long farewell
I haven't gotten completely over
It embarrasses me to admit it
But I haven't
Until now I was still swimming on "ifs"
The other day I watched a movie called Dedication
It turn me inside out
For a second I forgot all the facts
I felt overflowed with an empty hope
It filled me up with wishful thoughts
Since then, I chose to remember the best of us
I remembered him full of himself
That one night he met my friends
He was so freaking well put together
Blue sweater, "Italian pure silk" beige blazer, new jeans…
Tanned
Happy
He was eleven feet tall that night
Golden and self-assured
He stood quiet through dinner but he was transpiring confidence
He was shining
He is brilliant
He was on his peek during those weeks
We were eating out, beaching, taking especial photos
We were even talking about dancing naked
I was so proud to see the improvement
I was so stunned with the new layers
I was so happy with us
I had the best intentions
Suddenly everything became blurry
I didn't see it coming
I couldn't tell what was going inside him
I only learned it when it was all already blocked
It was all already gone
I tried every way I could
I couldn't take it
I had to leave
I admit I got caught up in the forecast
Everything I felt we were becoming together pushed me in
I was astonished and happy with the You
With the Us I believed we were living
And I pushed it hard without noticing
Too hard
But I refuse to take sole responsibility
The other day, while complimenting an ex-boyfriend that had such great influence in my life, I was told by him that he refused to take the credit
He said
We all influence each other
One chooses to take it positively or negatively
I wanted Erik to be on his best
It felt like I wanted more than he did
Love is not enough
