Today it rains
The raindrops deafen my hunger
My limbs refuse to get me out of bed
My mind has exhausted my body
It’s been a week
The clothes slither through the dirty floor
Piles of hair gathered into colonies of dirt
The sink is full
The glass is empty
My skin has molted
The armor has collapsed
What's left is scattered splatter
I'm paralyzed, staring at my pieces
I have contemplated contemplating suicide
I have thought about thinking about it
I have wished I could be a little bit less into living
But I have lapsed that tool in my box
I’ll cry instead
I sit on my self-sorrow and wish for the world to be compelled
I cry out loud, but there is no one around to hear
Hello, hello, hello-llo-llo echoes in my walls
Is there anyone out there to save me from my depth?
I then remember my vanity wouldn’t want to be seen like this
I comb my hair with my fingers
And wipe away the dry slobber off my mouth
Please, stop seeking attention
You must only emerge when fixed
And let me justify my excuses,
I’m not one to pretend steadiness, to forge temperance
I have never been ashamed of my darkness
But I should be reminded to not distraught what is left of my beauty reputation
I must leave something to hold on to
So don’t tell anyone
But it’s fucking dark in here
I’m in the bottom of a bottomless pond
Where a kid once fell and it was never to be found again
I've held on to the walls
And scuffed the tip of my fingers into flesh
I have lastly ceased on trying to climb back the way in
There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
But let me be pathetic a little bit longer
Let me sob against the dirt until my self-criticism comes to mock me
Why do I need to want more?
Why can't I just blindly comply with what they taught me about destiny?
Why did I need to go around admitting my dreams?
Now I stare at the mirror
Ashamed of not yet being what I see
I should have lived in denial
Conformed to what was on the platter for me
I should have accepted the leftover of my will
And taken for granted the aftertaste of the wishes I haven’t fulfilled
But no, the evil drive had to step in
The fundamental ambition of self-realization broke into my glass house of conformity
And the solidly built foundation turned out to be a very thin layer of exceeded longings
Now I hold hands with the potential of fiasco
I have risked my every secret
All those great self-expectations I was so afraid of confessing to myself
Are suddenly freed to bully me
I stand already broken by the anticipation of failure
Avoiding acknowledging I’m aware that there is still track left to be run
There will always be
I’m suddenly awaken off my daze by shouts from the top of the pond
Artificial lights are trying to spot me down here
They came to rescue me
Stop, Stop!
I shall not be saved by anyone else but me
I must walk away from this sad funeral of my old soul
That one that lived off grand excuses and linearity
That one that only stepped on safe ground and empty certainties
I must leave the flowers over my coffin to dry alone
I am to dig a new tunnel
Unknown path into virgin forests
I must dive into my truth
Swim heavy current of surpassed convictions
Dodging the debris of an old identity
And let the past expire
I must give birth to my butterfly-self
The colored wings my meekness has fought so hard against its growth
I must allow my mind to heal my fears and embrace my aspiration
I must become all that I am within
